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My 8 step guide to a multi-billion pound business

My 8 step guide to a multi-billion pound business

After a lot of study and reading all kinds of authoritative sources I think I’ve worked out a business idea that lets you build a multi-billion pound business over the course of a few years. Like all projects it has a logical plan to make sure everything happens as it should. It goes like this:

First, you need to have a workforce based in a lower-cost economy than ours, which isn’t actually that hard to achieve these days. Even our expensive European cousins are trying very hard to drop down to a third world economy rather than accept the Euro is doomed. However, basing it outside Europe is preferable.

Then you need to reinterpret the meaning of the phrase “business specific”. Make it mean “works for you and can read”. This is important; if you want to deploy your workforce over here they need to be able to get in (not that hard to do, apparently) and be permitted to work here. That needs a Visa, but luckily you can use the ICT option. That allows you to import workers who have particular knowledge of your business. Hence the need for reinterpretation; if you don’t, they won’t qualify as ICTs and you can’t use them.

These valuable workers need paying of course, and there are rules about that. For less than a year’s stay, for example, they have to be paid £24,000. Not a problem, it only says you have to pay them that, what they actually get is a different matter. After all, you are paying for the travel and accommodation, so let’s offset that against the £24,000. That way you can pay them a little bit more than they get at home and spend the rest on their expenses. Or even yours.

Ah yes, accommodation can be expensive. Best way to economise is to share it among as many people as possible. After all they’re only here temporarily so can rough it for a while.

Better make sure the workers never ever let anyone see their pay slips while we’re at it. Wouldn’t want to disclose our margins, would we?

Right, so now we have a skilled workforce in place at roughly a third the cost of the locals. Time to drum up some work for them to do. So let’s sell them to UK businesses as a cheaper alternative to using the expensive workers they normally employ. With the money saved earlier we can afford to put them out at two thirds the usual charge, so the client must be making a big saving. Easy.

Then, once we have control, we have other options to maximise revenue. If there’s a bug in something, don’t try and fix it, that’s just a fudge. Rewrite it properly, from scratch. Much more work for your workers to do, not only re-writing it but testing it and releasing it and re-training the users.

More work means more people; don’t really care how good they are. Better get some more ICTs organised then. Advertise back home that you’ll sponsor an ICT for a mere £1000, no actual job offer required. That will get the applicants flooding in.

And when the locals kick up a fuss, persuade some senior politician – ideally one who is rapidly approaching sainthood – that the skills don’t exist locally and you have the only alternative. Make sure the skills don’t exist locally, of course, by only advertising roles at non-viable rates that only your workers can live with.

And the final bonus point: in only a few years you will have killed off the local industry totally and have it all for yourself.

Brilliant plan, isn’t it? Guaranteed to succeed. Wonder why nobody’s thought of it already…

About the author: Alan Watts

Alan has worked in IT for most of the last 35 years, and first went freelance in 1996. He has been a PCG member from its start and has been spreading the message that freelancing is a professional career choice for many years. Alan also runs Malvolio’s Blog, a personal but highly informative take on the life of the modern freelance.

Alan Watts, Principal Consultant, LPW Computer Services

© 2011 All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.

Image: Sarah Xmas 06 family sketch by ndrwfgg

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